haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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