wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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