does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
