he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
