I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
