I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize