Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
