how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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