Redeem this text for a blowjob
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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