I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
