I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize