I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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