Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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