I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Your cock deserves a montage
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize