Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
