No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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