Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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