My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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