dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
