i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
