is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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