Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize