Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
