I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize