hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
