god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
