o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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