i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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