Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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