What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
