i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize