If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
