Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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