eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize