Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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