This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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