I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
