Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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