This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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