I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
