Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize