I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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