I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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