WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
