Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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