i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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