she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
