Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
