I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
