Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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