I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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