sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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