I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
