I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
