don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
