Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
