What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
