dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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